Whether the break up was mutual, she broke up with you, or you broke up with her — the best and only thing to do is move on.
I get it. You’re in a lot of pain, your heart is aching, because you really liked her or you spent a lot of time with her. Maybe she was your first love, your longterm girlfriend, maybe your crush rejected you after you asked her out, or whatever. Heartbreak is heartbreak; it's not fun.
So what’s next?
Grieve the loss.
The aftermath of any romantic relationship, is a huge loss for both of you. You’ve lost someone that you cared about, someone that cared about you, you lost a part of, what seems like, your heart. You share many awesome memories with this girl, you’ve experienced life together, you’ve spent time getting to know each other — and now she’s gone. It hurts like hell.
The reason why we feel this way is because we’re experiencing a loss. Emotional pain manifests into physical pain, especially when we feel like our heart was ripped out from our chest or we get that gut wrenching feeling in the pit of our stomach. It’s okay to be sad and upset over what happened. It’s okay to show emotion, its okay to cry! I’ve cried in the gym after a break up and it definitely helped. If anyone tells you “men shouldn’t cry or show emotion”, don’t listen to them, it's good to express how you’re feeling. Bottling up your emotions because you’re scared to cry, will only backfire as you’ll stay stuck in the grieving process and keep you from moving on.
Move forward.
Take the time to grieve the loss. It can take a couple days, weeks, or even months. However, you cannot be moping around, sulking in your misery forever. I’ve spent weeks, laying on my bed, depressed, looking at the ceiling, in the aftermath of a break up. I felt sorry for myself and it kept me from moving on because I was stuck on the past. Guess what? You can’t change the past, you can’t go back, so focus on the present moment and work towards a better future.
Heal.
What does it mean to heal? It can mean a multitude of things! Healing can look and be different for everyone. Listen to your favorite music, hangout with friends or family, pick up a new hobby, or just hit the gym. Do your best to take your mind off of the situation, off of her, and focus on yourself! Healing is the most important thing you need to do after a break up!
Don’t go back into the dating pool, especially if you haven't fully healed. This can be detrimental to your healing process and the girl you’re dating next, which could lead to more hurt and heartbreak down the road. So don’t date, until you’re truly ready to date again. I would also consider starting a dating fast that lasts at least 3 to 6 months, allowing you enough time to heal, work on your flaws, learn from your previous experiences, and really understand your role as a man in a relationship.
Forgive & Let Go.
Whatever the reasoning behind the break up, it’s best that you forgive her, wish her well, and let her go. I know, its probably not what you want to hear, but I guarantee you, it must be done. Let go of the idea of the relationship, the idea of getting back together, the idea of ‘her’. Forgive her, as she’s only human, with a heart like yours. Everyone has flaws, different communication styles and dealbreakers — and if a relationship doesn’t workout, that’s okay! Grab an empty shoe box and put any photos of you together, gifts from her, letters, cards or things that remind you of her and drop them in that box. Put it underneath your bed, or in the garage, or in a drawer. Out of sight, out of mind. You just have to let go!
Don’t contact her, especially if she broke up with you. It’s a decision she made and you need to respect that. Contacting her, begging her to talk to you or fix things, will not fix the break up. You cannot wake up the dead -- grieve the loss, take the L, and move on. If the break up was mutual, I highly suggest you do not contact her. You might want to reach out to her, to check up on her, and see how she’s doing after the break up. This isn’t the best idea! Communicating with each other after the break up, especially if the end of the relationship was mutual, will only keep you both from fully processing the loss and healing. Talking with each-other, asking her friends about her, vice versa, is going to keep you both from getting past the break up. It will only confuse both of you, as you’re keeping the idea of the relationship alive, and opening up any wounds that you both already healed from, or were in the process of healing from — so I suggest you keep to yourself, and focus on you.
Focus on you.
If there is only one piece of advice, that I hope you take away from this post, it’s…heal by focusing on yourself. Do things that you love doing! Go for a walk, visit a new coffee shop, start drawing, pick up a new hobby, and work on getting out of the funk you’re currently experiencing. Go to the gym, lift heavy weights, walk on the treadmill for 30 mins and blast your favorite music. Learn to love yourself, even the quirks, and the shortcomings. Focus on improving yourself! Focus on your career, save your money, and make sure your financial health is up to par. Drink your water, make sure you’re eating a healthy diet, and focus on your mental health. If you need to talk to someone, especially if you are sad, it's best to talk to a mental health professional or someone that you trust. You are definitely not alone, in any of this. You are loved and you are more than enough!
Take care,
Blessed & Broken